50 Ways To Annoy Osama Bin Laden
Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
Pause for a moment, listen carefully,
and say, "Doesnt that sound a lot like a B-52?"
Ask him if hes looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satans favorite
chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.
Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely
everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.
Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather
line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.
Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator
and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.
Order him ten Dominos pizzas with
extra ham topping.
Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
Ask whether the Taliban gets cable,
because you havent seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.
Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around
like a top.
Switch all the CDs in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton,
hell actually get the Oak Ridge Boys.
Mine his bathroom.
Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned
by your host, mutter something about "spots".
Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com.
Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take
pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com.
Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.
Ask him if
Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise youll get to "kick his ass every day for eternity".
Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.
Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden".
whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
Tell him its lovely what hes done with his cave, but that itd look
much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place
Claim you once saw him at a Hooters in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
Ask him if he wouldnt mind if
you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
Tell him that this is the worst
pajama party youve ever attended.
Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
Mix up his Rubiks
Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
Complement him on all his poppies outside, but
mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.
Run your finger along his credenza, and say "tsk, tsk" if theres
Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell
Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion,
and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.
Claim that they serve much
better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.
Ask him if hes pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or
the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.
Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think ,
in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"
Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
They have to
wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of whos having a baby on Friends.
Warn him that youre "in a New York state of mind."
Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas,
and ask whether theyve ever thought of modeling.
Ask him, "say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just
in case hell be caught off guard and answer correctly.
Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie". If theres actually still
a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".*
Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.
Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties
are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.
Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.
to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.
Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.
him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi.
you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"
This article is copyright 2001 by Alan Meiss. You are free to forward it to others
provided you do not change or add to the contents; you are also free to include the article in print or broadcast media provided
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Please continue to support the recovery efforts, and
remember, be good to your neighbor, regardless of their religious faith or ethnic background. God Bless America!
translational notes for non-Americans: a "noogie" is a painful head rub administered to the scalp while holding someones head
in an arm-lock; a "wedgie" involves grabbing the back of their underwear and hoisting it up until they squeal; a "swirlie"
involves being dunked head-first in a running flush toilet. See what you missed by not attending school in the States? ;)